Saturday, October 18, 2014

Thirteen Years Ago

It is really weird to me that last night I dreamed about Bethany. I have not had a dream about her in a long time. It was so nice to see her, to hear her voice, her laugh. In the dream we were doing things with the youth group, which is always what we were doing together. Its so weird that last night I dreamed of her, because 13 years ago last night Bethany passed away. I remember the phone call in the middle of the night like it was yesterday. I remember feeling so lost as I had to go to chemistry lab that next morning. I don't remember how I made it through chemistry lab or even walking back to my dorm. I do remember walking off the elevators to my parents in the lobby of my dorm and just crumbling into their embrace. I do not remember driving 3 hours back home with them for Bethany's funeral. I do remember the clawing ache and pain in my heart and the feeling of emptiness that I was afraid would never go away. I clearly remember walking into Mitchell Road and seeing her casket at the end of the aisle and the tears streaming down my face. I remember the feeling of loss so well it feels like it was yesterday. I was so afraid I would forget her.  I saw her strength and love of the Lord get her all the way through until the end. I know she was afraid, but I know it was fear of the unknown, not fear of what she knew was before her if the Lord took her home. We don't get to experience heaven until we enter those gates and we are unable to comprehend it here on earth. That is what is scary, the unknown.

Its funny how I can't go anywhere without a reminder of Bethany. Of course there is not one place around where we live that doesn't have a memory of some kind with her or make me think of a conversation we had. Just this week I was in Las Vegas (thanks to Bethany's mom who helped me reach the goal and earn the trip) and on the side of a hotel was a huge Shania Twain advertisement and it made me laugh because Bethany used to always say (joking of course) that Shania Twain was the devil. We would laugh about it all the time. Music is another thing that I can't listen to without thoughts of Bethany. Sometimes I hear songs and I just have to turn them off. Yes its been 13 years, but the wounds never really heal.  They are as fresh today as they were 13 years ago. You never stop missing that person and you never stop wishing you had just one more day. Oh what I would give to spend a day with her again.

As a freshman in college I honestly never knew exactly how to cope with the loss of my friend. I tucked it all inside and pushed away the tears as much as I could. I distanced myself from her amazing parents, their hurt was too much and I felt guilty that I was still here and I felt lost without her. I didn't know what to say or do. I probably should have seen someone to help me talk my way through my grief.  What do you do with that kind of sadness and grief? It never really goes away. There are band aids to patch up the hole in your heart, but they wear off and the wound opens again. I just pushed along each day and before I knew it 13 years have passed. To this day I do not think I could watch a video with her in it, hearing her voice again. It has been a long time but it still hurts.

I have been reflecting and thinking about her a lot over the last few weeks and it started with September 11th. As I recall Bethany never knew the tragedy of September 11th. Then while I was in Target I saw a rack with jean overalls and thought about buying a pair just for Bethany. They are back in style my friend! We always talked about one day being pregnant at the same time and wearing overalls while pregnant. Like I said I can't go anywhere without a reminder of some kind. One of the reasons I picked October 22nd as my wedding date, was because I didn't want it to always be a sad time of year. I know Bethany wouldn't have wanted it either.

The biggest reminder of Bethany is one in the form of  "Be Thou My Vision" the hymn that brings tears every time I even think of the title.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.


Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.


Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.


Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.


High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

If there is one thing that stood out about Bethany, it would be her faith. Her desire for the Lord, her longing for his riches and his inheritance. Yes she wanted the things on this earth, to date and have a boyfriend, to have a place of her own and a career in theater. To have a family and a life where God led her. She also had a huge heart for the salvation of those around her. Especially her friends in theater. She longed for them to know the Lord and for them to have an eternity in heaven. I remember this being a part of her funeral service and sharing how she longed for this. Bethany always had wisdom beyond her years and yes she was scared, but she had an unbelievable peace. 

I know that my faith is the reason I can move along and not let the heartache take over. I do not know how those without a faith in God and in his promises get through tragedy. I am not promised tomorrow, but I am promised much more than that. 
I got my journal out from that time and have been reading through some of the things I had written. It was so hard to be away in college while Bethany was in a hospital. I thought I would share some of the things I wrote when she was sick. 

September 10, 2001- Bethany had major surgery on this day and it was the day they found out how much her cancer had spread. I wrote: " Today I truly realized for the first time how serious she is and that God could take her if he wanted to. I pray he doesn't because I cannot even begin to imagine what I would do without her. I am scared and my heart is completely broken.... He hears our prayers for Boo (this is what we called Bethany) I want so bad to be with her, to hug her and cry with her. I hate being separated from her.  Can you fix this its a broken heart ... it was fine but it just fell apart, it was mine now I give it to you because you can fix it; you know what to do. Oh let your love cover me like a pair of angel wings.

September 19, 2001- I just got a call from Mr. Enloe. He said Bethany is a fighter and that she is doing well. She is sleeping well today and also last night. 

September 20, 2001- Bethany is not doing well at all! I am going to a prayer meeting at 9:30 am for her. My heart is shattered, my head is killing me, I am scared, confused, angry and I am hopeful and trusting God. I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I will wake up to bad news. God is in this though and God it good. He will never leave us.... I just want to talk to her and tell her I love her. God PLEASE.. PLEASE don't take her from me! Father, let her live so she can glorify you through her testimony. FATHER PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER FROM ME!! I know that is is so selfish Lord and it may not be your will Lord, but please let this situation bring glory to yourself. 

September 22, 2001- I have strong faith that God will heal her... I miss my sweet Boo so much. My heart will not be mended until she is healed. Father use her to bring glory to yourself and be with Mr. and Mrs. Enloe. Comfort them.
Last night I dreamed about Boo for the first time. She was OK. She was walking and laughing and I was with her. She is going to be ok. She has to be and I know she will be. I just know God is going to heal her. I believe in Him! 

September 30th 2001- I have slept off and on because when I sleep none of this is real and I don't have to cry or feel the pain. There is no where I can go to get away from this broken heart that I now have. Life is so cruel and I don't know how to live without her! I am still praying for a miracle- God can do anything. My heart is so broken and I don't know where to even start to heal. There is no doubt in my mind that God can heal her and I just don't know why he won't do it. God Please heal her! You can do all things, please don't take her. Heaven is so much better but I can't imagine earth without her. Father fix my broken heart. 

October 1, 2001- Praise God! Bethany lived another day and God is so good. He has given me the little bit of hope that I needed.    I don't know if i will be able to sleep tonight because my thought are on Bethany and I feel I need to pray. I find myself praying the same prayer. "Let this be a miracle" "Father please heal her" "Lord I can't go on without her please bring her back"   I truly feel God will heal Bethany and He has not given us false hope. I trust you fully God. I pray that you will heal her because of her faith. Please heal her. I am on my knees before the cross Lord, I don't know your will but I have to trust and believe in you. I cry out to you not knowing what else to pray. I just know you are going to heal her. Let her life be used for you. I am begging on my knees and pleading  for you to please grace her with your healing love! Praise God, He is so good to us. 

October 3, 2001- I am so scared Lord, I need you to hold me and let me know it is all going to be ok. Hold Bethany Lord! Please God I ask because you tell us to ask.. will you please heal her? I have felt all along that you will heal her

October 7, 2001- Lord you are doing so many miracles in people around me but why not Bethany? What about her Lord? Why not a miracle yet? Please Father PLEASE!! I beg you Lord! I am asking that you not take my best friend please Lord. I ask that you heal her and let the radiation work in her. Psalm 77:14 says you are a got who preforms miracles and I know this is true. Please don't take Bethany from me. John 16:20 says my pain will turn to joy. Father I know if you take her she will be in heaven which is just so hard to comprehend but Lord how can I have joy without her here? . She is my one true friend and I don't know what to do without her. I just feel so strongly that you are going to heal her. I have felt it since July! 

October 14, 2001- This weekend was the hardest weekend of my life. I went to see Bethany. I feel so heart broken for her and I just want her back! When we left on Saturday I was talking to Bethany and I said "Boo I am not going to say goodbye to you, because if I say goodbye then I am giving up and I am not going to give up. I will see you soon and I love you! As I said this tears started running down her face. (This was the last time I saw Bethany) 

October 15, 2001- My dear heavenly father, today I received the worst news ever that you are going to take Bethany. I should rejoice that she will be in heaven with you but I am so selfish and Just want her here to share life with me. Lord I am hurting so much and I am also not going to give up. Lord you can heal her. There is nothing left except a miracle. Lord in my deepest sorrow and pain I am not giving up on you! Take this from her Lord. I didn't say goodbye to her for a reason Lord and that is because I trusted and still do trust in your absolute healing. You don't take bribes but Lord if you did I would do ANYTHING! I just don't see how you could bring more glory to yourself by taking her. My faith is so small but I believe! 

On October 17th 2001 I sat on the bed in my dorm room with my journal and bible and I wrote and I read and I prayed.  
" Father God- All the emotions are too much. I don't know where to begin dealing with this. I live in fear that I am going to get sad news. Father I don't even know what to pray, I just repeat prayers and I don't know what else to do. I beg for you to restore her life and I beg for you to allow her to be a living testimony. I just don't understand why you have heard these prayers but don't heal her. Lord I scream out to you with a heavy heart! 
After writing I sat and prayed and I ended my prayer with PLEASE LORD HAVE MERCY ON HER!
I  opened my bible after praying and it opened to Psalm 6:9- I just started reading and it said "The Lord has heard your cry for mercy, and he accepts your prayer. 

When I read this I was joyful! I went to bed knowing healing was coming and the Lord had heard my prayers. 

At 1:00 am I got a phone call that Bethany had passed away. The Lord did hear my cry for Mercy, and he did accept my prayer- he took her away from pain and suffering and he healed her. 

As you can see even 13 years later I miss her the same. One day I will see her again and in the presence of the Lord.. How glorious it will be. 

I miss you Bethany with all my heart! 



1 comment:

Unknown said...

It's so good that you have other friends, Lauren, like Danielle so that you can all remember her together and share the pain. God IS good...

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